The iTampon and the Church of Jobs

As everybody knows, Apple dropped their "game changing" (their words) new device called the iPad. This has definitely stirred up equal amounts of excitement and hate from both Apple fanboys and PC geeks. Let's digress for a moment to get some back story to setup the reason of this post.

As everybody knows, I am a PC person but in no way do I want to kneel in front Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer and fellate either one of them like most Apple cultists do regularly with Steve Jobs. I am a HUGE tech fanatic and love gadgets, tech and anything cutting edge from Silicon Valley. That techno lust hit when I saw the first Apple computer in the late 70's, the Apple II. It also did not help that my father worked IBM and I had computer parts around the house when I was growing up. He started a business computer company with a friend from IBM that sold the first IBM PC's and Sun systems. He eventually brought home the parts to build a PC clone from Zenith for me. I built my first PC from the ground up when I was around 14 years old. I was forever hooked. Currently in my household, we have five computers. Two laptops from Dell and three desktops PC's that I have built from scratch. I also have a plethora of gadgets, game systems and other tech goodies. In short…I have techno lust.

This techno lust is not completely one sided either. Whenever any company has a new gadget announcement, I usually pay attention. This even includes Apple. The iPod Touch and the iPhone set the standard for personal devices. This and the various iterations of the Mac line are impressive pieces of computer equipment. That is something I have NEVER denied. Apple has a history of creating incredibly stylish and easy to use gadget and their marketing team has made many people want, no, covet their products. More on that in a bit.

No on to the new goodie, The Apple iTampon, er…I mean iPad. First, that is a HORRIBLE name. I get it. Apple wants the "i" nomenclature and everything they do now, however, naming their new TABLET after a feminine hygiene product is just not right. iTablet, iSlate or whatever would have been better. Now it has all the typical Apple style and slickness one would expect like the touch screen, beautiful image, sexy design, easy to use interface and app store connection. I do have one major compliment…it has one hell of a battery if it truly works in the real world. However, everything else in the iPad falls short considering Apple's set standard of innovativeness and cutting edge. No USB ports, no flash support, no multitasking (modified iPhone OS), single core 1GHz A4 chip, GPS and a measly 64GB storage only on the high end model and no camera. Weaksauce. And what is this high end version of this "affordable" device going for? $850! Affordable my ass. I have seen more capable netbooks $300 cheaper and don't get me started with the deal that Apple struck with AT&T…again after getting date raped by AT&T's shitty 3G service for the iPhone. Steve Jobs says this is a "game changing device". It is only a game changer in the sense that Microsoft is laughing its ass off for once at Apple. This screams of the Apple Newton and Steve Jobs NeXT Computer debacles. However, that will not change the total blow job that Steve will receive from his devoted cult of cock gobblers.

The Apple marketing team has done probably one of most amazing jobs over the years. They even put a dent on the stranglehold that Microsoft has on the PC world by exaggerating a common problem with ALL software…never buy version x.0. Some of the Apple ads never even talk about their own products. They just bash the competition and the cultists eat it up as fact. With everybody in the Cult of Apple being stroked by the Church of Apple (marketing), they will buy this iPad and believe it is the end all beat all device of all time even though there is and will be more capable devices. I personally expected much more out of Apple for the iPad. Much, much more. I have Apple products (multiple iPods) and I will consider buying an iPad one day if Apple steps off its high horse and brings down the price of it and give it more capabilities. It will then be the "game changing" device they currently call that over sized iPod Touch. Until then, I will stick with my sometimes spotty working but VERY open gadgets like my Palm Pre and my Microsoft OS PC's. At least MS fixed its image and OS with the release of Windows 7. I hear that HP also has a tablet coming that actually runs a modified version of Windows 7 and will work with my PC's. I think I would rather have that.

I like it when Apple brings its A-Game. It forces other companies to step their game as well. This iPad will only cause other tablet makers to slack off. Sigh. Oh well, maybe the iDouches of the Apple Cult will see that the iPad is weak and not buy it because they know that Apple will upgrade the thing next year in the same fashion as Apple has done with the iPhone. Hell, who am I kidding…they will whip out their wallets and fellate Jobs when he hands over the iPad.

I know I am biased because I do not like the Apple walled garden approach to everything they do and that the cultists won't remove Steve Jobs' iKnob from their throats. Oh well.

What are your thoughts? Am I off base here and think that I have Ballmer's MSknob down my throat? Or do I have a leg to stand on and that Apple is literally resting on its laurels and just iPhoned this one in?