WTF Happened to vampires?

I was just poking around those time vampires (get it) known as Facebook and Twitter and came across some posts by Jonathan Ian Mathers. He is the creator of one of, if not, the funniest web cartoon, NEUROTICALLY YOURS over at http://www.illwillpress.com/ starring Foamy The Squirrel. But I digress. Mr. Mathers was posting things and pictures (that I reposted in FB) about vampires that I totally agree with...and that brings me to the point of this blog.

WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO VAMPIRES?!? Remember when vampires used to be the villains, the monsters, the creature that went bump in the night and the sick mother fuckers that sucked the blood dry out of the victim until they died? These nasty undead bastards were charming mother fuckers but were evil evil evil. These unholy creatures would slyly sneak into your life then, BAM! They would suck you dry faster that Linda Lovelace. Even though these bloodsuckers were very powerful, they had to follow a pretty solid set of rules. Remember those...rules. Van Helsing knew them. So did Peter Cushing. Apparently Anne Rice forgot some of them and Stephanie Meyers said "Fuck 'em". Here are some of the major big ones…

1. Could not enter you home unless invite you invited it in

2. Must sleep during the day (usually in a coffin) because sunlight could kill them

3. Garlic, holy water and holy items (usually a cross) could repel or kill them

4. Casted NO reflections in reflective surfaces

5. Could transform into animals (usually bats and wolves) or mist at will

6. Are pretty much immortal but can be killed by items listed above as well as a stake to the heart and beheading

7. Could infect or transform others into becoming a vampire not completely draining, just biting or forcing victim to ingest the vampire's blood.

For many, many years through entertainment in the form of books, TV, movies and through folklore, these have been pretty much the standard rules that the writers and story tellers stuck to. Yeah, there may have been minor deviations in the rules here and there in some of the retellings but for the most part, they stuck to them. Even in the world of comics, cartoons, fantasy, sci-fi and what have you, the most famous character have always had a solid set of rules that kept these said characters popular over the years. Anytime somebody decided to shake up any of these characters story lines by changing the rules of these characters, there was a huge public outcry and the characters lost popularity. They just plain suck donkey balls. Don't make me bring up Superman. Making changes to a genre is acceptable as well as you do not horribly fuck with the rules. This most notably happened with the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. She told vampire stories from their point of view and a good portion of the time they tended to be slightly homoerotic and whiney but the one thing she stuck to is that they were monsters and they knew it. Telling their side had not really been done before but she stuck to some of the most basic of the vampire rules. Not all of them, but some of them to make them for the most part appear like vampires. I rather liked most of the books at least for the stories. She was a bit too verbose and rambling for my tastes (shit, like my blogs and Stephen King). That set the stage for the touchy feely emo yet humanized vampires later down the road.

Vampires are the new "it" thing right now. However, they are no longer the monsters anymore that haunt our nightmares. We can all thank that genre fucking bitch, Stephenie Meyer. Her writing style is aimed DIRECTLY at the whiney wannabe goth, emo kids and her books have become quite popular. Granted, the stories may be quite good but she is definitely writing to crybaby teenagers and brainless women that think soap operas are high art. She has made the vampires TOO human and no longer the monsters that they should be. Almost all of the rules have been completely thrown out by her. Ms. Meyer has kept them immortal…<sigh> and that's about it. They have become mythical creatures more along the lines like unicorns (it's a magical liopleurodon, Charlie!). Well fuck all that noise.

Now there is a plethora of these horrible movies hitting the movie screen like the CIRQUE DU FREAK and by far the worst piece of tripe, the TWILIGHT series from those books. Seriously, that movie is so fucking bad; I would rather watch 2 Girls 1 Cup while eating chocolate ice cream. However, since the pussy ass wannabe goth kids, brainless bimbos and emos threw their money on that waste of polyester film, Hollywood saw a chance to make a shit ton of cash and push through the next movie. Guess what…that looks even worse that the first one. That's right, I said it. The TWILIGHT movies are so gawd-awful, if the film they are on actually touch the film of a great movie like CITIZEN KANE, the world as we know it would end. It would be like anti-matter and matter touching. Now what was I saying…oh yeah…Fuck you Stephenie Meyer. Fuck you sparkly Edward Cullen and your unwashed and uncombed hair. Fuck you Hollywood for making these books into movies and causing your brethren to make awful shows now hitting TV.

I know I will get flamed for this, but the show TRUE BLOOD is also incredibly close to being as bad as TWILIGHT. At least they are more the monsters they should be than that cunt Edward. However, I can tell you that I don't socialize with cattle; therefore vampires should not be hanging out with their food. There is also this new show hitting the CW called THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. Hollywood is now crossing another shitty show, THE O.C. with the even worse TWILIGHT. Gouge my fucking eyes out now. I really would rather be skull fucked by a barbed whale cock than endure what surely the Hell that show could put me through.

Now, I am asking the people who create entertainment (as if anybody was reading my bullshit), pretty please, with fucking sugar on top… CAN I HAVE MY VAMPIRES BE MONSTERS AGAIN? I want them to feast on humans. I want there to be blood and fear. Fuck all the drama and bring back the TRUE HORROR of what a vampire should be.